Transcript

#450: Books I've Loved — Neil Strauss

Optimal minimal. At this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. And I also do post one question. Now it's seen it. A cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endocet. S

Books I've loved on the Tim Ferris show is exclusively brought to you by Audible. There couldn't be a better sponsor for this series, my dear listeners and readers. I have used Audible for so many years. As long as I can remember, I love it. Audible has the largest selection of audiobooks on the planet. I listen when I'm taking walks. I listen while I'm cooking. I listen whenever I can. And if you're looking for a place to start, I can recommend three of my favorites. The first

Is the Tau of Seneca. by Seneca, if you want to hear my favorite letters of all time, touches on stoic philosophy, calmness under duress, etc. The next is The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, G A I M A N, one of my favorites. Even if you're a nonfiction purist, this is the fiction book that you need to listen to. Neil also has perhaps the most calming voice of all time. And third, Greg McEwen's Essentialism. Subtitle The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. This is one of my favorite books of the past few years. Combines very well with the eighty twenty principle.

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That's Tim Ferriss Show listeners, a free audiobook with a thirty day trial. Membership. And uh again, my list if you want to check them out, the Tower of Seneca. The graveyard book? Essentialism, those are just three. There's so many good ones out there.

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Check it out, audible.com slash Tim. Hello, boys and girls, ladies and germs. This is Tim Ferris. Welcome to another episode of the Tim Ferris Show, where it is usually my job to sit down with world class performers of all different types. startup founders, investors, chess champions, Olympic athletes, you name it. to tease out the habits that you can apply in your own lives.

This episode, however, is an experiment and part of a short form series that I'm doing simply called Books I've Loved. I've invited some amazing past guests, close friends, and new faces to share their favorite books. describe their favorite books, the books that have influenced them, changed them, transformed them for the better. And I hope you pick up one or two new mentors. In the form of books. from this new series and apply the lessons in your own life.

I had a lot of fun. putting this together, inviting these people to participate, and have learned so, so much myself. I hope that is also the case for you. Please Enjoy. Yeah. Thanks, Tim, for having me back to talk about some of my favorite books.

And I wanted to do something different today, which is I wanted to recommend some books that I've never recommended before on this podcast and that I haven't heard other people recommending things that people may not know about. I want to turn people on to some new stuff that's like so central to me. So my criteria were What are the books where I've underlined the most amount of things? Some of these books that I'm gonna recommend, I literally have underlining or marks.

On every single page. But I have a kind of an evolved system I use to markup books depending on the resonance of the idea and different things going on in the book. The second thing is brought together. These books sort of

Encompass like The body of what I think right now, the kinds of things that I write about and post on Instagram And teach and coached and have had so much value in my life and changed them.

And I'm gonna walk you into them. From let's say the simplest book. To the most complex from one that's just So easy to read.

to one that's almost like a Textbook. So if you're into these, start at the beginning and see how far along you get. I I love all of these and they're really Great.

On the path to understanding yourself. And who you are. And the obstacles that get in your way. And Where you self sabotage.

in your relationships and ultimately real freedom. The first author is Sherry Huber. And I wanted to tell you about her past, but I looked it up online and I can't find anything there, so I don't know if it's public, but as a child, Sherry probably faced One of the worst

traumas a young person can ever Go through. And she not only survived it. She Became a Buddhist monk.

And of all the people I've ever met. In my life. I think she's one of the most Centered Wise.

Power presence is. I've ever been around. There's just something about her that like in my I would like to get to one day. I really would. She writes tons of books. I'd love to read every one. And her books.

very simply written. There's just distilled to pure wisdom, almost like a wise mentor is giving you the advice. There aren't like supporting arguments and footnotes and research studies. It's just like the wisdom from high on the mountain. It's also written in a unique font where part of the story and the power and the impact of the words is done through the font and style of writing changing, as well as the illustrations by June Shiver.

Or it could be shiver. Uh the illustrator. in a book. So really look through all our books and read anything, but I'll share with you the two that have had the biggest impact. On me.

Actually the only two I've read, but I would do want to read the rest. Uh but I started with the fear book. And Fear book is so powerful because so many of us have a certain area where fear And doubt.

And uncertainty. Get in our way. And the book walks you through The idea of of of how to embrace them.

And move beyond them. and often it's very counterintuitive. But so true. I highly recommend this for dealing with it. I want to go read you one quote from it. I'm gonna read a couple quotes from it.

And her basic idea is that Moving toward your fears and getting past them is the path to freedom. And I love this part. And her books, by the way, are very short, hundred fifty pages at most. She writes.

If you no longer believe what fear tells you. You will live. And it will not. That is a point on a spiritual journey that almost nobody gets past. When that terror rises.

When it gets backed into a corner. And it's a matter of its survival or yours. Almost nobody has the required combination. Desperation.

Willingness. To stand up to it. When this forcing you That is controlled. and motivated you all your life is screaming.

If you do that, you're gonna die. Very few people are going to say Well I just need to find out if that is true. Or if that is so, she writes.

That's why it's so important to remember. That projection is going on. What's being screamed, I'm gonna paraphrase a little to it so it kinda syncs in. What's really being screamed here is

If you stay with this fear I will die. The fear the ego will die. And that's true. It will die.

It's life is your death. It's death. Is your life. It's so good. It's really about letting go of the stuff. that hold you back that you're so attached to

and just isn't serving you and is keeping you from being free and keeping you from being yourself. And here's one last little bit from the book you can do right now. So good. Do something you fear. Not to conquer the fear.

Not to accomplish a task. But to familiarize yourself with the process. With which fear protects itself. to demystify it. And I love this. I always say I've said in this podcast before, become a scientist of your own lows. And this is saying become a scientist of fear. It's it's almost like

I call it false survival mode. There's so many things that we think are survival threats. And we treat'em like survival threats and we go start fighting like our life is in danger. When it isn't. So It's a great demystifying, empowering book. It's called the Fear Book. The other book of Sherry Huber's I recommend and I'm pulling it out now as we speak.

Is be the person you want to find. Relationship and self discovery. And the title kinda says it all. And I love this book. Because it's exactly my philosophy on relationships, which is if you want to meet a better person

then become a better person. And this is like this beautiful book. That really Sort of. weans us away from these crazy relationship myths we have and these expectations of other partners

And it begins by really boldly saying that this book is about you taking one hundred percent responsibility for yourself. All the time. And uh and I really think if everybody could read this book and really Live by it. Things would go so much better.

It's about things that we're gonna get into later in the with the next set of books about how much uh of our childhood Sort of stories we end up playing out on our partner. And then again I'm just gonna read one part. Then we'll move on.

I mean, this book is so good that instead of underlying lines, I've literally like marked entire pages. So these are two of the pages. And again, it flies by. It's a short book. The sad, strange, unfortunate. Dysfunctional part. Of life. By the way, uh so I'm gonna read this part. I'm gonna paraphrase a couple of bits just so it makes sense out of context. The sad strange

Unfortunate. Dysfunctional part of life. Is that as adults Most of us are still trying to survive childhood.

So I have become the person I believed as a child. I needed to become a in order to make it through a deltid. Now I'm an adult.

An intimate relationship. And I'm suffering. This is traumatic. I have picked consciously or not. Someone who's going to relive parts of my childhood with me.

He's going to play the parts opposite me someone else did back then. I'm going to suffer in the same way I did as a child. And I'm going to use The same survival mechanisms. And right there is literally

it doesn't matter what recurring problem you're having in a relationship, that is the reason why And this book gets you past them. I love it. Highly recommended. Next author, so we're gonna move sort of one level up on

I don't want to say like difficult to read or advancement of concepts, but also very, very accessible books. There by Pia Melody, I'm gonna recommend two books. And we'll start with facing codependence. And codependence is a word that's used a lot. but really rarely understood. And this book isn't just about relationships for me. What it is is it presents a model of trauma that to me,

has been key to understanding my life and to helping others. And is really life changing. And here's what's fascinating about PM Melody. She Doesn't do TED Talks, at least as far as I know. Uh, she doesn't have a big social media presence, if one at all. She doesn't even have a Wikipedia entry. She was, I believe, a nurse at a inpatient sort of rehab facility called the Meadows, and started to develop her own system based on a number of different

Therapies and tools. And it's really powerful if I was to say, Hey, if you really want to change what uh modality, even though I hate that word, what modality should you should you follow? I'd say check into P Melody's work. Uh what's called pit.

Post induction. Therapy. I think that's what it's called, what it stands for. But her whole idea is your childhood is a hypnotic induction. You're being sort of indoctrinated. It's like a cult. And

you're then to be unbrainwashed and unhypnotized and start living your true and free life. But I Elegant idea. The great part about c facing codependence, besides this exploration of what codependence is, why it happens, how it happens, uh the signs, the patterns, things. There's also a breakdown in the end of how she defines trauma.

And it's a way to sort of self-diagnose uh trauma and I'm just gonna check out the contents right here. To me as a new parent is also a parenting book. She talks about the nature of a child, how a child has these rights, and I've thought about it with my child as I've raised him, but to be spontaneous, to be protected. to be and I love this line, perfectly imperfect. In other words, some parents expect their child to be perfect, and that's sort of a form of trauma when they're not allowed to make mistakes or learn from mistakes or do things that are sort of age appropriate. And then she talks about abuse, generational abuse, and then breaks down trauma to these different categories of physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intellectual abuse, spiritual abuse.

And the main thing about these is it sounds obvious. When you read it. She defines abuse as any time a child has a dependency need that's not met, that creates abuse. So a quick example of spiritual abuse, I see many with it, is when a parent has to always be right. The parents always write.

They can never be wrong. They can never be corrected. And she sees that as a form of spiritual abuse because The parents blame God. The parent becomes the child's higher power, and it creates such a deep insecurity on the part of the child in terms of their reality. In fact, I find these people often resistant to work with because they feel like

to say anything negative about their parent. Is like blaspheming God. It's fascinating, so I highly recommend it. The second book to read next, and this one is more about relationships, but I love it. definitely something that's put a lot of value in my life in terms of breaking some patterns is called facing love addiction. And it's really About the love addict.

And the love avoidance. And This is probably like probably seventy five percent of relationships to some degree. I'm just throwing that out ballpark. But

What happens is one person a relationship is more needy. And one person is uh More Resentful.

And uh it doesn't begin that way, it begins in this flowering of love and projection. And then eventually this pattern plays out where one person needs more the other person wants to give less and less the other person gives, the more the other person needs and there's this neediness resentment pattern that eventually plays out and blows up in negative ways. Often sometimes when I know people who have been their partner's been having a fair for

A long time and they never saw it. they're often in the haze of love addiction where they're holding on to this fantasy. It's a powerful book. I love these both. Really read these. multiple times and you'll have

an understanding of the matrix of how relationships work. That's P Melody, facing codependence and facing love addiction. So the next book is not for everyone. But it's for a certain percentage of people here. I'm among its uh Target audience.

And I didn't think I was someone's target audience when I first Heard about it. It's called silently seduced. It's by Kenneth Adams. And it's related to the P Melody books I mentioned earlier, and specifically for those who've experienced enmeshment.

Enmeshment is not a word that's often used, so I'm gonna explain it super quickly. It's the opposite of abandonment. So abandonment, as we all know, is a parent is somehow not meeting a child's needs, whether emotional, physical protection being absent, whatever it may be. Enmeshment is when a child

Is meeting a parent's needs. And And we don't talk about it because Abandonment is disempowering. You feel disempowered, helpless, vulnerable, no one there. Enmeshment is falsely empowering. You feel as a child like you have power because you're there for your parent. Uh, a parent who lives for a child, who needs the child's accomplishments to make up for their own accomplishments, who Has

A parent with tons of anxiety needs to over control the child. A parent who's lonely or has a bad marriage or is going through a divorce and is using the child. uh for their own narcissistic reasons or to get back at the parent or just because they have nobody to talk to. There's so many ways. that enmeasurement works. And here's here's a little rule of thumb. That abandonment you feel bad about yourself. With enmeshment.

It's generally when you feel sorry for the parent. So if you ever there's a moment where you felt sad or sorry for your parent, that probably was enmeashment going on. Uh I remember interviewing Jay Leno. and talking about comedy and he became a comedian'cause his mom was depressed.

And he was always trying to cheer her up. That's a measurement. And silently seduced deals with a form of enmeasurement that they call Shockingly. Emotional incest.

I remember when my book The Truth came out, I actually wrote a editorial for the New York Times on emotional incest and It wasn't printed. It's such a shocking term. It shocked me when it was used to diagnose me, but what it is is it's when a child is used not sexually by the parent, but a child's used emotionally. by the parent becomes an emotional partner to them. And often it's a parent who's in a troubled relationship who makes the child their emotional partner. as my mom one hundred percent did with me. She'd sit there in my room and talk to me with my father, and I remember she actually said

Neil, never grow up to make anyone as miserable as your father makes me. But you really, really uh Uh messed up my relationships for a while. If I felt like somebody was sad or wasn't wasn't happy, I would just Sort of and the relationship.

So what happens with people who are enmeshed is they want love, they want relationships, then they get in a relationship and they feel suffocated, they feel trapped. And they sabotage it. Or want to get out of it somehow. It's this crazy intimacy, attraction, then avoidance pattern, usually. And it's a great book about it. It walks you through it. Explains the cases and then gives you steps to break the pattern. So highly recommended Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams if this is appropriate to you, or someone you've done in the past, or someone you care about. It's a good gift. I've definitely given at least a hundred of these away. I love this next author, and I'm just gonna start with this quote.

He meaning The type of men he's talking about. will believe that his masculinity is proved by betting women. Driving a high powered car. Or making lots of money.

Underneath he knows the truth, of course. And he is desperately afraid of being found out. He believes himself. An imposter. in the company of men.

And in this era in our society when we're trying to Sort of. look at the roles men play and the masks they wear to have a sort of better, healthier society. I highly recommend this book. It's another one that I've given This at this point probably like more than a hundred copies away. Uh it's called Under Saturn Shadow. The wounding and healing of men.

By James Hollis. And James Hollis is a Jungian Psychoanalysts. He had an amazing author. I actually loved his book so much I had him be my therapist for a while and was literally like taking a college class. It's so good. It's not the easiest book to make it through. But it's so dense with meaning.

With historical example. with amazing quotes. And it really looks at a deep mythical psychological level of the struggles that the modern sort of man faces and attempts to put a framework around it that's so Wonderfully. full of wisdom and I really don't see the sort of

addressed a lot in a in a helpful useful, non-shaming Uh self. understanding way. I was looking for another quote, but I stumbled across this. I literally have something underlined on every page. What father cannot access in himself.

cannot be passed on to his son. Such a good thing to think about it for the parents out there like myself. So good. I'm just gonna read a little part. I'm literally just turning to a random page. There's so much in here, it's just worth rereading all the time. He writes this Joseph Campbell expressed it. One can spend one's whole life climbing the ladder. Only to realize That it's been placed against the wrong wall.

For men to begin the process of healing. They must first risk being honest with themselves. along with the feelings they think they can't afford. They must admit they're not happy in spite of what they've achieved. They must admit they do not know who they are or what they must do to save themselves.

They must overcome the fear that blocks such thinking. The fear that they will have to change their lives. If the emotional cat Is let. out of the bag.

And ultimately it's a book about sort of self examination and making sure you're not just running on these preset tracks that the culture has Giving you and really living out what's important to you. Or as Hollis says it, and I'll end the description of the book with this. The crux of the middle passage.

Is the requirement that a man Whatever his age or station. Pull out of his reflexive behaviors and attitudes. Radically re examine his life. At risk living out.

The thunderous imperatives of his soul. So good. Highly recommended. So one of James Hollis's central ideas, since we have these two that we have these two fantastic quests we go on in our lives. One is the fantasy of immortality.

And the other one is the fantasy of the magical other. And the latter is the heart of his other book that I love, which is The Eden Project. And let me get the subtitle here. The Eden project. In search of the magical other Uh kind of like the Sherry Huber book, he just cuts the core of it. I'm gonna look right now one of my favorite quotes from it. It's so good.

It's so good. Being in an intimate relationship Is a bit like asking someone to join hands with us. But only after walking across a field. in which we have planted mines.

And another great quote, and I think this just captures the book, he writes The best thing we can do for our relationships with others. Is to render our relationship to ourselves more conscious. This is not a narcissistic activity. In fact

It will prove to be the most loving thing we can do for the other. The greatest gift to others. Is our own best selves. That's paradoxically. If we are to serve relationship well.

We are obliged to affirm. our individual journey. It's so good and yes, it's just like the wisdom, the Sherry Huber book and what I love about all these books, whether it's sort of P melody coming from the inpatient addiction rehab.

Or it's James Hollis coming from Young Or Sherry Huber. Coming from Buddhism.

It's the exact same wisdom. So if you read all these books, maybe put them all together. They're all telling the same thing, so go do it. Hey guys, this is Tim again. Just a few more things before you take off. Number one, this is Five Bullet Friday. Do you want to get a short email from me? Would you enjoy getting a short email from me every Friday that provides a little morsel of fun before the weekend? And Five Bullet Friday is a very short email where I share the coolest things I've found or that I've been pondering over the week. That could include favorite new albums that I've discovered. It could include gizmos and gadgets and all sorts of weird shit that I've somehow dug up in the uh the world of the esoteric as I do. It could include favorite articles that I've read and that I've shared with my close friends for instance and it's very short it's just a little tiny bite of goodness before you head off for the weekend. So if you want to receive that, check it out. Just go to fourourworkweek.com that's fourhourworkweek.com all spelled out and just drop in your email and you will get the very next one. And if you sign up

I hope you enjoy it.